


Put Me Back Together

by lovesastateofmind



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesastateofmind/pseuds/lovesastateofmind
Summary: "Why?" It was a simple question, but it held so much weight. Even for her genius IQ, it suddenly became the most difficult question she had ever been asked in her life. And the look on Kara's face didnt make it any easier. "Why would you ever try to take you away from me?"
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 26
Kudos: 270





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning. Suicide attempt and depression.   
> This is the first time I'm trying fanfiction. I havent written in years, so be gentle.  
> Characters and lyrics do not belong to me

_I had a dream  
I got everything I wanted  
Not what you’d think  
And if I’m being honest_

Weakness was not in her DNA. At least that’s what she told herself. It’s really the only way she could make it through the day anymore. So as she gripped the railing, she repeated the mantra over and over in her head. _Luthors don't cry._ Her mother would say. But she did cry. 

It was laughable, really. Once she really thought of it. Oh if only you could see me now. At least the end of her life would be a comfort to her mother, once she got over the utter embarrassment of it anyway. She could already see the headlines. _Luthor Jumps from 20 Story Balcony._ She wondered if Kara would be the one to write it. 

The thought of the blonde almost made her smile. But only almost. Sweet, innocent Kara. The only friend she had ever really had. Sure, she would be upset at first. But she would be fine. Lena hadn’t been much company lately anyway. Kara did try her best to get her to open up. She really did. She would swing by randomly with lunches, invite Lena over to game night. She would text her every morning to see if she was alright. Lena wondered if she noticed that she was losing weight, what with the excessive need the blonde seemed to feel to feed her. 

Then she thought of Jess. Her loyal assistant really had been through everything with her. Tolerated her workaholic attitude. And never complained. Not even when she was working late into the hours of the night. Jess was always there until she was dismissed. At least once Lena was gone, she would be able to find a more reasonable schedule with whatever she did next. But then, she considered, Jess really was as much of a workaholic as she was. And that thought almost made her giggle. But only almost. Maybe she did have more than one friend after all.

_It might have been a nightmare  
To anyone who might care  
Thought I could fly  
So I stepped off the golden_

Her feet began to tremble, the closer she got to the ledge. She read somewhere once that jumpers took their shoes off before they took the dive. She wondered if they did it on instinct. Or if maybe they had read it somewhere too and subconsciously followed suit. As one last act of defiance, she decided to leave her shoes on. Maybe that would make the papers too. The shoes were far too expensive anyway to just leave sitting on a ledge. 

She took a glance down below, just to see if there was anyone who could see her. They were so far away they looked like ants on the sidewalk. She thought she heard someone shout. She wasn’t sure if it was encouragement or a last ditch attempt to try to talk her out of it. She needed no encouragement. Her mind was made up. She was certain, she had to be. She couldn’t live like this anymore. It would probably make her brother happy too. He hadn’t made any attempts on her life in awhile. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t preparing for his next move though. 

_Nobody cried  
Nobody even noticed  
I saw them standing right there  
Kind of though they might care_

She tried to keep her heartbeat steady. Kara let it slip once that she could hear heartbeats no matter where she went, as long as she really focused. _So you can hear mine?_ Lena asked. The blonde ducked her head, trying to hide her blush, and confirmed that sometimes she listened for it just to make sure she was safe. Always the superhero, Lena thought. She hoped Kara wouldn’t be too disappointed in herself for not getting there in time. 

She closed her eyes and braced herself. She wondered if it would feel like flying. Slowly she released her grip. She was free falling. 

In those moments before the impact, she felt more alive than she had ever felt. Funny how those things worked. The only time she feels free is right before her death. 

Only, her death never came. 

The only thing that did come were strong arms, and the scent of honey shampoo. Damn that heartbeat. 

_I had a dream  
I got everything I wanted  
But when I wake up, I see  
You with me_

When she opened her eyes again, she was standing in her living room. Kara was no longer holding her bridal style, but she was still holding her, cape wrapped around her to at least give the illusion that she was safe. She didn’t even realize she was still crying, not at first. Not until Kara barely released her grip just enough to peer back and look into her eyes. She was crying too. 

At first she thought Kara may be under the impression that she just fell. But looking into dark blue eyes now, she realized she wouldn’t get that lucky. Her eyes looked like storm clouds. Similar to the storm in her own heart. She tried to will herself to speak, but all that came out was a choked sob. It was Kara who broke the silence first.

_“Why?”_

It was a simple question, but it held so much weight. Even for her genius IQ, it suddenly became the most difficult question she had ever been asked in her life. And the look on Kara's face didn’t make it any easier.

“Why would you _ever_ try to take you away from me?”

She expected her to yell, really. To rant about how she’s better than that, and all the good she’s done. But as she looked at her now, she saw no speech on the tip of her tongue. Just that damn question. But as her words start to sink in, Lena became confused. _Why would you ever take you away from me._ She had heard a lot of things, but she had never heard words that deep and that caring directed towards her, not ever. And it only made her sob harder. 

“Shh, baby I’ve got you. It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

As she stood in the middle of her living room at 3am on a random Tuesday, she had never felt so safe.  


She couldn’t tell you how long she stood there, wrapped up in Kara’s embrace while she whispered sweet words in her ear. She couldn’t even tell you what she said. Only that the tighter Kara held onto her, the more whole she felt. 

“I’m going to take you to lie down now okay?”

She must have nodded in confirmation because before she knew it, she was swept into those arms again. Kara didn’t bother turning the lights on. She didn’t want to disrupt the little bubble they had wrapped themselves in. Somehow turning the lights on seemed it would break the moment, and break the fragile woman in her arms. 

She deposited Lena onto the bed, and the woman still had a death grip on her cape. Like as soon as she let go, her whole world was going to implode. She laid down beside her and took Lena back into her arms, and Lena rested her head on her chest. Her hold on the woman only tightened, and she placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. 

_As long as I’m here  
No one can hurt you  
Don’t wanna lie here  
But you can learn to_

They stayed that way for hours. The sun began to peek over the horizon, and as much as her kryptonian cells objected to it, she reached for the remote on the bedside table and hit the button for the blackout curtains. Some things are better left in the dark. It seemed like a lifetime had passed before Lena finally found her voice. 

“I just couldn’t do it anymore, Kara.” Her voice was rough from the hours of crying. She barely recognized herself. 

“Couldn’t do what, love?”

“Live.”

It was such a heavy word. 

She reached down and gently tilted Lena’s chin up to look at her. 

“You truly have no idea how special you are do you?”

There was no sense pretending she didn’t know why she did it. Even though she asked the question initially, she already knew. The years of her name being dragged through the mud. The death threats. The hatred spewed all over the news. All because of her name. It was enough to drive anyone over the edge. 

_If I could change  
The way you see yourself  
You wouldn’t wonder why you’re here  
They don’t deserve you_

Lena shook her head, as if that was a ridiculous notion. 

“No, Kara. I’m _nobody._ Look at what they say about me. Do you really think any of them, _any_ of them, would care if I died?”

“I care.” The response was automatic. 

Lena still shook her head. It almost would have been comical had she not been so distraught.

“I’ve never been good enough for you. You’re always so bright. Like personal sunshine. And me, I’m just dark. Everything’s just so…dark.”

“Lena.”

She tried to get up just then. She needed to get away. If Kara said her name like that one more time, well she may just change her mind. And she was so sure. She had thought about it. She was nothing if not calculated. This is not how her night was supposed to go. But for all her struggling to get out of the kryptonian’s grasp, Kara held her tighter still. 

“Lena, do you have any idea how much I love you?”

Well there goes that fight or flight idea. 

“W-what?” And her voice was unsure. She almost thought she misheard. There was no way Kara just said what she thinks she said.

“I said I love you.”

Silence. Dead silence. 

“You may think you’re dark Lena. But that’s not how I see you. You’re my light when my whole world crashes. You’ve always believed in me. Always knew I could do better. And I believed in me too, because _you_ did. You always knew exactly what to say to me. You’re funny and brilliant and beautiful. And that’s why I fell in love with you.”

And suddenly time stood still. She felt much like she did last night. Free falling. Alive. Whole. She didn’t believe it of course. All the good things in life are never true. She was around long enough to realize at least that. But even though she didn’t believe it, there was a part of her, however small that was glad she was alive to hear it. 

“If you take you away from me, Lena, you’re taking the last part of home I have left. So please, please let me help you.”

It was too much. This was all too much. Lena sat up then, hugging her knees to her chest. She never could deny Kara anything. She ran a hand through her dark locks and tried to get her breathing under control. She was a Luthor, damn it. And while she was planning on taking the cowards way out, it was her decision. But there Kara was. Radiating sunshine and hope and all things Kara. It made her waiver. Not much, but the doubt of what she had planned to do began to creep into the crevasses of her mind. 

She felt blue eyes bore into the back of her head and she thought that even without laser vision, Kara could set her very being ablaze. No, this was too much. 

Without warning, she jumped up. She needed to get as far away from Kara as possible. She couldn’t feel safe. She couldn’t feel loved. She didn’t know how. She made it to the doorway of her bedroom before she felt a strong grip on her wrist. Not strong enough to hurt her, but enough to make her halt her movements.

“Damn it, Lena!”

And she was spun around faster than she could blink. Kara shoved her against the door frame, and kissed her like her life depended on it. And despite the fact that she couldn’t breathe, it felt like the first breath she had taken after drowning.

_I tried to scream  
But my head was under water  
They called me weak  
Like I’m not just somebody’s daughter_

She reached her hand up and twisted her fingers in blonde hair. Maybe her life did depend on it. She felt strong arms wrap around her waist. She was crying again. Tears rolling down her face as she responded to the kiss, but Kara held her still, grounding her. Saving her. It’s what Kara did. She always saved her. 

Kara pulled back to look into green eyes. She knows she’s a mess. But as she always does, she said the exact right thing. 

“You’re so beautiful.”

If the dam wasn’t broken before, it certainly was now. She shook and she sobbed. She felt as if she might fall into literal pieces right there on the floor. But Kara was still there. And like the glue she was, she put Lena back together. She buried her face into Kara’s neck while she rubbed soothing circles onto her back.

“I love you.” She repeated. Over and over into Lena’s ear like it was a prayer. 

_As long as I’m here  
No one can hurt you_

“I love you, too.”

If Kara got nothing else from her, she deserved to hear at least that. She could feel the smile creep onto Kara’s face, even given the context of the situation. Leave it to the blonde to smile at a time like this. 

She peered back to look at Lena again. 

“Please let me help you. You aren’t alone. You’ll never have to be alone again.”

She contemplated. She searched Kara’s eyes for any signs of deception. But all she saw there was love. Unconditional, irrevocable love. And so she waivered still. 

“Okay.” If she thought her voice was weak before, it sounded utterly ridiculous now. 

It was all Kara needed. 

As she smiled so bright it would rival any star in the sky, Lena thought maybe, just maybe it would be okay.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because you asked so nicely

_And it feels like yesterday was a year ago  
But I don’t wanna let anybody know  
Cause everybody wants something from me now  
And I don’t wanna let them down_

_“Why are you here, Lena?”_

_“Because she saved me.”_

It was hard. It was so hard sometimes that she wanted to scream. But she was trying. Kara didn’t leave for a week. Apart from soaking up sunlight by the window, she didn’t even see daylight. Which really was a feat for a superhero. Kara didn’t dare touch the balcony. And she didn’t dare leave Lena’s side. 

After the first week was over, Lena was afraid that she wouldn’t come back. But day after day she always did. She was there every night when she fell asleep and every morning when she woke up. She was the first person to ever promise to stay and mean it.  


Sometime around week three, she came strolling in at 4 in the afternoon.

“I brought pizza!” She announced as she hit the door.  


She had another bag filled with more clothes in her hand. They hadn’t talked about it, but Kara had basically decided to move in. Whether temporary or permanent, she didn’t know, but she enjoyed it just the same.

“You’re home early.” She tried not to overthink the fact that she just referred to it as ‘home.’ 

“Yeah I got J'onn to cover for me tonight. I wanted to be here for you today after..you know.”

The ‘you know' she was referring to was her first therapy appointment. She wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so she simply smiled. 

Kara walked over to the sofa where Lena was curled up with her book. She leaned down and kissed her while she sat the pizza on the coffee table. 

They hadn’t discussed their relationship at length either. It all just sort of fell into place after that night. On the morning after her diving incident, Kara arranged her temporary leave from L-Corp, as well as her own temporary leave from Catco. Taking a step back from Supergirl duties was a bit more difficult, but she had made an attempt to leave the petty crime for the police department, and intervened when there was a serious threat to public safety. No, they may not have discussed the changes in their dynamic, but Lena was okay with that too. She was supposed to avoid stressful situations, as per her discussion with said therapist. There was, however, a question that had been on the tip of her tongue for weeks though. So as Kara got back from the kitchen with the plates and bottles of water, she decided to finally ask. 

“How did you know what to do?”

She didn’t have to specify what she was talking about. 

“I didn’t.” 

“Well you certainly fooled me.”

Kara sat her slice of pizza back down and reached for Lena’s hand. 

“I was planning to come talk to you, you know. To tell you how I felt. I planned to do it the next day, actually. But I heard your heartbeat spike that night.”

Lena knew it was that damn heartbeat. 

“I had never been more terrified in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever flown that fast. And when I got here, I really had no clue how to help you. I only knew that I had to. I meant what I said. You’re my home.” 

Lena’s eyes started to water. Ever since that night, it was like the tears never stopped. 

“I thought you would be angry with me.”

“Well now that wouldn’t have helped much, would it? I love you, and I could never be angry when you’re hurting that much. I want a life with you, sweetheart. I kinda need you around for that.”

_I had a dream  
I got everything I wanted  
But when I wake up  
I see you with me_

The pills gave her nightmares. On more than one occasion she woke up screaming. Kara started singing to her as a way to calm her down. Sometimes in kryptonese, sometimes in English, she thinks she even sang in French once. 

Sometimes they were love songs, sometimes lullabies, she even did a terrible rendition of wheels on the bus after saving a bus full of children earlier that day. It was sweet and beautiful and silly, and it _worked._

In the daylight, Kara danced with her. Her eyes would sparkle and she would laugh, and it worked better than any medication ever did. 

She got a little happier with each passing day. She smiled more. She began to pick back up on things she once enjoyed. Kara took her to science museums and aquariums. Kara took her flying once she could handle the idea of it again. 

The idea of wanting to live on behalf of someone else is controversial. But the way she saw it, as long as she could live for something, she could eventually learn to live for herself. 

Three months in, she was back at work. She was working shorter hours, of course. But it gave her something to do, and for that she was grateful. Kara brought her lunch every day. Eating like a normal human was something she was getting better at too. 

“You’re going to make me fat.” She joked one day after Kara showed up with some greasy concoction, again.

“But it’s good, Lena!” The blonde pouted, “And besides, I have a good way for you to work off those calories.”

Lena blushed, and laughed.

It was something she did more of these days. 

_If I knew it all then, would I do it again  
Would I do it again  
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head  
What would they say instead_

She went to therapy twice a week. Gradually working herself down to weekly visits. Medication was trial and error, as these things always are. But eventually they found something that worked. 

Kara wrote articles about her. Any time she did something new and exciting, Kara was there with a notepad and pen with strict instruction from Snapper to _Go interview the Luthor girl._ And gradually her name sounded less like profanity each time.

The most significant achievement came in the form of a headline _Luthor Cures Cancer._

Kara flew her to Paris to celebrate and kissed her in front of the Eiffel Tower. 

She still had her days, but they were getting fewer and further between. And Kara was still there. 

She cried on her birthday. It was something she didn’t ever think she would celebrate again. For once they were happy tears. 

Alex, Maggie and even J'onn came to celebrate the occasion. They went to her favorite restaurant and she ducked her head when the staff stopped production and sang “Happy Birthday" to her. And all the while the blonde sat there feigning innocence, because she truly had _no_ idea how they knew it was her birthday. 

She caught her eye as she made her birthday wish. Kara was staring at her as if she hung the stars in the sky. She blew out the candles with nothing left to wish for. 

Eliza knitted her a sweater for Christmas, and she had her own stocking. “I’m so glad you’re here, sweetheart.” The older woman said as she hugged her in front of the Christmas tree. She didn’t know the weight of her words, or maybe she did. Lena hugged her tighter all the same. 

And for some reason, everywhere she moved to stand in the house, a mistletoe suddenly appeared over her head when she knew damn well it wasn’t there to begin with. Kara feigned innocence again, and stated mischievously, “Well it _is_ tradition, Lena.” She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.

_If I knew it all then, would I do it again  
Would I do it again  
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head  
What would they say instead_

They moved into their new house in January, shortly after the new year. It was on the outskirts of the city. Two levels, but no balcony. Kara planted flowers outside the bedroom window. They still didn’t have the discussion apart from Kara saying casually one evening, “We should move.” And within a week they signed a lease with both their names on it. 

As the anniversary came up of the day she decided to end her life, Lena became slightly on edge. Only slightly though, because Kara anticipated the change in her mood, and planned a full itinerary of fun things to do in the week leading up to it. 

Lena was grateful for it. 

It was a year to the day that Lena sat in her therapist’s office once more. She looked out the window and saw a flash of red and blue and she smiled. 

“How are you feeling today, Lena?” 

Many words came to mind, but she settled on one.

“Alive.”

“And why are you here?” 

“Because I want to be.” 

It was so deep and so true and so full of meaning. 

She walked outside into the cool spring breeze, feeling lighter than she had in years. She heard a thud on the sidewalk behind her. She turned around, smiling.

“Hey gorgeous, need a lift?”

Kara still looked like sunshine on your darkest day. 

“ Well I cant say no to a superhero now can I?”

The blonde walked up to her and Lena put her arm around her neck as she lifted her up. 

“Home?”

Lena nodded, “Home.” 

Kara shot straight up, making the woman in her arms giggle, and flew to the outskirts of town, to the rest of their lives. 

_No one can hurt you_

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially intended to be a one shot. Depending on feedback, I may continue. Let me know in the comments. Thank you for reading.


End file.
